Tombstone

My wife Marcy died of cervical cancer when our boys were just 1 and 7 years old.

A month later, I took my son Hank to the doctor because of a stomach ache. They did

X-rays and told me there was a mass in his stomach and they needed to do more tests.

A month after that, I lost my job.

In what felt like a matter of weeks, my wife was gone, my little boy might be seriously

sick, and the security I thought I had in work disappeared.

I cried out to God—but if I’m honest, most of it was anger.

I was frustrated.

Confused.

Scared.

And underneath all of it, I realized something I never expected.

Even though my precious parents had raised me in church…

Even though I had spent over a decade in full-time ministry…

Even though I knew scripture…

Even though I knew all the right Christian answers…

I didn’t really know Him.

I knew about God.

I knew how to talk about God.

I knew how to look like a man who knew God.

But I didn’t know the Father.

I had borrowed faith.

Secondhand faith.

Inherited faith.

But I had very little faith of my own.

I didn’t trust Him, and I sure didn’t understand His love.

I went to a dark place.

I wrestled with God and thought about giving up. I felt alone and helpless, frustrated and

angry. I needed answers I was never going to get.

But the answers I truly needed—the ones I wasn’t even asking for—were there all

along.

After a few months of being at war with the Creator, the Redeemer, the One who rose

from the dead, I realized I had two choices.

I could walk away and try to figure it out on my own.

I could stay angry.

I could keep demanding my will, my answers, my outcome.

Or…

I could follow Him.

No matter where that took me.

Not leaning on my own understanding, but on His completely.

Without question.

Without fear.

Without me being in control.

That’s where it started.

And I think this may be the biggest struggle for most of us:

Do I truly believe His love for me is real?

That it is available?

That it is enough?

That question changed everything.

It led me into places I had never really been.

Listening to scripture instead of just reading it.

Soaking in praise instead of just singing songs.

Surrendering my will instead of asking God to bless mine.

Abiding

I was determined not to get stuck behind the tombstone.

The tombstone of unbelief.

The tombstone of weak faith.

The tombstone of needing things to go my way.

The tombstone of demanding my outcome.

I refused to stay buried there.

It was a terrible, dark, and wonderful journey.

I had to step out in faith—which honestly wasn’t that hard, because by then I was

completely broken.

Sometimes broken is the best place to start.

Because when you have nothing left to hold onto, you finally learn how to hold onto

Him.

I was born for one purpose:

To glorify God.

To worship Him.

And so were you.

By the way—God was not absent in any of it.

The mass in Hank’s stomach turned out to be nothing.

I found a job.

And in His perfect kindness, God sent my sweet wife Trish, who came along and helped

complete our family.

What I thought was the end was actually the beginning.

Sometimes God has to remove everything we are leaning on so we finally learn to lean

on Him.

And once you know Him—really know Him—everything changes.

I believe there are ultimately two choices.

Either all of this came from some random cosmic accident—a big bang with no purpose,

no design, no meaning…

Or God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit created it all.

I wrestled with that.

And I chose God.

But that choice forced me to ask myself some hard questions:

Do I mean it?

Do I really believe it?

Will I pursue Him at all costs?

And if not…why?

Why do I hesitate?

Why do I hold back?

Why do I trust myself more than I trust Him?

Those questions changed me.

And they can change you.

Wherever you are in your faith, you can get there.

If I can, anyone can.

Don’t get stuck behind your fear.

Your need for control.

Your pain.

Your disappointment.

Your need for things to go your way.

And if life has wounded you—if you’ve experienced deep loss, heartbreak, or

disappointment—don’t get stuck behind the tombstone.

Jesus didn’t.